This week the scripture of the day flooded my TL (which I normally love by the way) and it was Proverbs 4:23. Above all else guard your heart. All at once I was hit with a wave of feelings. This is common for a person that deals with anxiety. Nothing is ever gradual it’s always 0-60. I suddenly remembered people in my life time and time again telling me how closed off I was. How I had trust issues and really needed to open up to people more.
Thing is I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to get hurt. What I wanted was to protect myself! I remember once a person close to me said “Nikyla you’re like Alcatraz” Man that thing hit hard. Sure we chuckled but I knew she was right. I had a large gate around my heart with all the security gadgets. The closer you got you might get stung.
I lived that way so long. The truth is I was Scared! I did have a season where I really opened up to people made new friends. Tried to remove the walls. During that time I met some wonderful people and received some great love. I also experienced some incredible pain and betrayal. I believe the biggest lesson I learned during that time was that it was apart life. Pain is present in life in almost every area. The song joy and pain it’s like sunshine and rain. It’s so true. They go together. When you really give your all to something or some one, there is a possibility they will hurt you. There’s a chance a betrayal could take place. But there is equally a chance you will experience loyalty and build great trust. There is no way to know but try. Experience can help you conquer fear.
These days I don’t open myself up to every person. However I do not shut myself off from the world. I believe the scripture in proverbs speaks to wisdom. Be wise with your heart. Protect your peace and your emotions. I must trust myself and my creator to guide me in every area including relationships. So yes I am guarded! I guard my heart from impurities and corrupt environments. I trust my self to make wise decisions in my relationships and I give people a chance to show me who they are. I no longer let fear lead in this area. Sometimes great risk is met with great rewards.